By Mike Blackwell

Two healthy children and a loving husband could not quiet the storms in Nikki Taylor's mind and heart. A childhood victim of sexual abuse, her life had become a daily battle with depression and anger. An elderly uncle had stolen her childhood, and now the psychological remnants of that abuse were threatening her family, her marriage, and her life.

The years of pain finally erupted one day when she told her husband the love she had for him was gone.

"I'll never forget the day she said she didn't love me," said Nikki's husband, Bobby. "It was probably the worst day of my life."

For Nikki, Bobby was merely another victim, another recipient of a lifetime of anger. Nikki's nightmare of sexual abuse happened in the tenth year of her life. Her uncle would take her horseback riding, and would go with her into the woods.

Ultimately, the truth about her abuse surfaced, and she remembers a swirl of judges, doctors and lawyers using big words she did not understand. Physically, she was soon mended; psychologically, even some 25 years later, she still struggles to love and to trust. Nikki's struggle to regain control of her life seems successful. The Taylors have been married 17 years, and they revel in the lives of their two children, a 13-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. But for the Taylors, it has been a long and painful road to recovery. Nikki's story is one of faith, terror and hope.

"I remember going to the hospital and being examined after the abuse," Nikki said. "I didn't trust anybody after that. I didn't trust my parents, because they didn't protect me. I didn't trust males at all. And I didn't trust God, because the man who did this went to our church."

Nikki's life was drastically changed with her abuse. Her father, a preacher, stopped preaching after the abuse was discovered. Her grades fell and never regained their previous level, and she became shy and withdrawn. Nikki felt overwhelming guilt; she believed that she was the reason her father left the ministry for awhile. She felt as though she had no control of her own life. She fell in love, married and became a mother, but she was far from well.

She stopped attending church, and could not find true trust in her husbands. She was terrified about her children's future, and was tremendously overprotective. Mood swings were frequent and severe.

"There were days when I couldn't move," Nikki says. "Bobby would just take the day off and take me to the lake. Never one time did he not put his life on hold for me. I quit going to church, but he never quit going, and he never quit taking the kids. He even had the church pray for me."

Nikki's sudden angry outbursts effected the entire family. Finally, the Taylors sought marriage counseling with Linda Harriss of Brownwood's Harriss Center for Counseling. During the course of the counseling, Keith revealed that he believed much of Felicia's anger was a direct result of her childhood abuse.

"Everybody deals with the physical, but the real damage is on the emotional level," Harriss said. "The family-related damage can be severe, because you have to be able to trust those in your family. Some people stay in their caves and never come out."

And as the Taylors discovered, Keith proved to be perhaps the main reason Nikki has left her emotional cave. Though he clearly loved his wife, she nevertheless refused to truly trust his love and care.

"With my husband, no matter how many times he proved himself to me, I didn't trust anything he said," Nikki says. "He has been on a roller coaster, but it's pretty obvious that he loves me."

Counseling has helped the Taylors tremendously, and now sit and speak about their past with care, love and understanding. Nikki has spoken to many groups about her experience, and the opening of her soul has given her, and thus her family, great peace.

"To be able to tell people what happened to me, that's where the healing is for me," Nikki says. "It allows me to give the guilt away, and that's where the healing is, too."

Harriss, who has lived the healing process with the Taylors, agrees. And Harriss also says the return of Nikki's father proved a tremendous boost for the entire Taylor family.

"For Nikki, anger was the driving force in her life," Harriss says. "But Bobby has added so much to the healing process. He's been so patient, and through him, Nikki was able to get a handle on her feelings toward God, because Bobby loved her unconditionally."

Felicia's "rebirth" has also made life around the house much more stable. The anger that was once so volatile now only occasionally surfaces. And the new stability has also made a big difference in the lives of her children.

"My daughter has blossomed since we've gotten everything together," Nikki said. "When we're okay as a couple, they're okay. They've had to go through hell because of what I've gone through."

Both Nikki and Harriss say perhaps the "hell" could have been avoided had more communication occurred at the time of the abuse. Parents should look for sudden mood swings or changes in academic behavior, and should also be courageous enough to talk to their children about sex. Now that Nikki understands how to protect her children from such horror, she's is comfortable talking about her tragedies and triumphs. For many, many years, she
suppressed and denied her pain. But now she has rebuilt her marriage, her life and her trust in people.

As transformations go, this one is about as good as it gets.

"We don't have conflict or turmoil now that we've been able to turn everything over to God," says Bobby, who begins to cry. "Nikki is my hero. I've never seen courage like she had to have to get us where we are now. "I may have kept things together for 15 years, but what she did will keep us together for the rest of our lives."